Question marks

Why are there things that one can't possibly change or refrain from doing? I'm tired of feeling guilty over and over again but it's just so hard to change. I do know it's wrong but I lack the courage and strength in fighting it. I really do have so many issues in my life but somehow I have mastered a lot of delaying tactics. I tend to disregard it until it becomes so disturbing that I have no choice but to face it. When will I ever learn? When will I ever start to face these issues that are eating me alive? I really am such a mess. Sigh. I need to start living my life properly if I want to get somewhere one day. Starting NOW.

Midnight Blues

I don't know what to do or think anymore. I'm really afraid of what's in for me in the future especially now that I'm not sure of what I want anymore. I don't know what my problem is, ok, I admit it... I do want the easy way out.. I don't want struggles and I don't like the feeling of uncertainty. I don't like doing something when I'm not sure of what the outcome would be. In short, I'm afraid of risks. There, I admitted it but what now? Would this feeling be just like the million others like it? and for the nth time, I would say to myself again, "If only I did what I was suppose to do, it wouldn't have gotten to this." Would that be my line again? My roommate already mastered that line. She already knows when I am about to say it and would mindlessly tease me. I know I lack passion and determination but I don't really know the reason why. I am grateful that many people care for me and believe in me but I still don't know what's keeping me from going in for the kill. I know I really am not a passionate person. Normally, I don't strive for excellence, which is really a shame, I just settle for the average. Don't get me wrong, I do want to excel, I do want to be the best I could be but it's just so hard and I can't find the determination to go for it. I just have the hopes but not the will to do it. I want to change, believe me, I really do but it's so hard. There are a lot of times that I'm ashamed of the way I am. I have so many pretensions, so many masks and I can't seem to be going anywhere. I hate the feeling of being at a crossroad and yet I always find myself there. I'm truly lost but I know that I can only be helped if I would be able to help myself first. Actually, there is no one to blame but me for everything that has happened and for everything that I'm feeling. The struggles I'm going through are the results of having mediocre ways. I admit I'm lost and struggling nonetheless I'm still so afraid to face my fears.

Awestrucked (UP experience)

You probably think that I'm very well used to living in the campus by this time around. I've been here for I guess almost 2 years already. I've been walking here for I don't know how many kilometers already and how many more kilometers I have to in the future. I remember the very first time I entered this piece of heaven and hell rolled into one. It was a beautiful morning, the very moment I entered University Avenue, I felt something unexplainable. I was awestrucked by the beautiful wide roads leading to Quezon Hall, the wide roads leading to the famous oblation statue. As the taxi entered the main roads of the Academic Oval, I was enlightened by the sight of the big, majestic looking trees and the lush green grass. You might wonder of all things, why would I pay particular attention to it. Well, for a start, I've never been in a campus this big. I've never seen so many buildings and so many trees together. It was such a beautiful sight and it was a feeling that I would never exchange for anything ever.

Flashback

It's already half past 12 in the midnight and I still don't want to sleep. I just remembered that I still have a gazillion things to do. It has been a long time since I wrote something like this or any written piece for that matter. I have been so caught up in the rush of things that I haven't found the chance to just sit down and write. I just had an EXAM. I don't want to discuss the details because it will just make my tummy flip-flop. I must admit that as of the moment, it's still a blur, things are happening just way too fast. I get goosebumps whenever I realize that so many things are already changing bigtime. I also just remembered that it was different when I was younger, time seemed to be slower then. I would complain and impatiently wait for my birthday, ever so excited to grow up and see the world. I could write over a million words here but all that would just summarize what I'm feeling right now is this: OVERWHELMED.